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It was dark, cold, there weird noises and an open-air staircase. The kind where someone could hide underneath and grab at your ankles.

I was the kind of kid who would practice the long jump just to get into bed because she was afraid that something under the bed would get her if she got too close. I slept with a snorkel so I could breathe while swathed for my life under the covers.

It was a mantra of mine: Don't go into the basement.

I was eight years old and knew it.

And yet still, in movies and TV shows, every character feels the need to go into the basement to check out what the noise was.

Reality check here, folks: No sane, normal person goes into the basement.

Here are a number of scenarios taken directly from my life that better illustrate what the average American does when noises-from-the-basement type occurances, occur:

1) A twelve year old (me) hears loud bangings and pops generating from the heating vents in the bedroom of her new house. What does she do? Without letting her feet touch the floor, she launches herself to the door with a pillow and blanket in hand and nearly gets stepped on the next morning when her sister swings her legs to the floor next to her own bed. What doesn't she do? She doesn't stay in bed, waving it off as the heater while the alien bugs crawl up the side of the house to swarm her bed and devour her whole.

2) The dog starts barking and growling into the night when a 15 year-old (me) has the house to herself while her parents are out of town. What does she do? She turns on every light in the house, closes the blinds, loads the pellet gun in the mudroom closet and falls alseep in the living room with the television blaring and the dog sleeping next to her. What doesn't she do? She doesn't shut the dog up in the house and grab a flashlight, going outside to investigate so she can be grabbed and eviserated behind the garage.

3) A varsity basketball team has an unsupervised sleep-over in which they attempt a seance. One clever point guard senior decides to "channel" a serial killer. What does the rest of the team do? Thunders down the staircase and every player with a car (me) gets in, threatens to leave and only gets out of the car after much prodding and one last "that wasn't fucking funny, Farris!" What doesn't the team do? They don't continue holding hands looking around at one another in their underwear and then just sit there and scream when the "channeled" serial killer busts down from the attic to slaughter them all.

4) Four college roommates are sitting in their new apartment watching TV and drinking beer on a Saturday night when loud bangs and whirrings come from the direction of the kitchen. What do they do? Stumble into the hallway, knocking each other over in an attempt to be the first person out of the apartment and out the security locked door without shoes, keys, and most importantly, beer. What don't they do? They don't go investigate it one at a time so that the axe murderer hiding behind the fridge can pick them off individually.

5) A group of study abroad students stand at the entrance to an ancient cellar/basement-type opening in a foreign country daring each other to go in. What do they do? Exchange various froms of "Ain't no way I'm goin' in there"'s until they all (me) decide to screw it and go to the pub. What don't they do?

They don't go into the basement, that's for damn sure.