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10) The perfunctory screaming child. You know the one, sitting right behind you? The mother is doing her best to coo the child into silence, but has also managed to maneuver the kid so his mouth and thusly all sound emanating from it, is directly in between the seats and lined up perfectly with your ear. You want desperately to scream �shut that kid UP!� but it would be a bit of the pot calling the kettle black because you�re about ready to cry and throw a fit yourself.

9) The 4 or 5 year old child sitting in the seat directly in front of you who hasn�t yet learned that it�s not polite to stare. There�s no getting around this one. You can�t just look back and stare them into submission. No, they don�t have the social conditioning yet to make them second-guess their wardrobe, or think that they may have something on their face, or possibly even see that they really are just a big freak and all of the other adults around are just too polite to stare in their company. You can�t just ignore them and close your eyes feigning sleep, either. No, you do this for five minutes and crack one eye and bam! They�re still staring. Busted. And now you�re not just going to give up and let them look�you�re determined to make them buy that you�re asleep, dammit! So then you get kind of huffy and fidget in your seat but there�s no way in hell you can sleep NOW, because you know that little shit with no manners is still looking at you, you can feel it.

8) And let�s not even get in to the parents of the child in #9. Punk chumps. Even if their kid won�t listen to them they could at least say SOMETHING. As it is, they�re probably having their kid spy on you and report back to them for some nefarious purpose. Like, your wardrobe choice, or the fact that you may have something on your face, or possibly even that you are really just a big freak and all of the other adults around are too polite to stare so they have their kid do it.

7) The claims made my certain airlines that they have expanded their leg room in coach! Yeah, bite me, Northwest. I�m going to have chronic knee-skin-in-my-teeth disease for the rest of my LIFE because you bastards probably just made it so that the seats don�t go back as far as they used to.

6) Dude, the seats don�t go back as far as they used to. I remember the days when I could put my sleep back and put a pillow behind my head and it would still feel as though I was reclining. Now, the pillow behind the head does nothing but negate the whole putting-the-seat-back thing in the first place. I hate that shit.

5) The �C� Concourse at Detroit Metro Airport. It has no chairs. NO CHAIRS! It has 30 gates, yet no bathrooms, NO CHAIRS, no departure/arrival display, and frequent gate changes. Now I know what �C� stands for. And it�s certainly not �chairs.�

4) Security. I know they have to have tight security now, but must they make me take my shoes off? I don�t want to take my shoes off. You don�t want me to take my shoes off. Nobody wants me to take my shoes off. Trust me.

3) When they lose your luggage. Sometimes, you�re on a flight with two stopovers and the weather gets crappy in Fort Lauderdale and you miss your flight to Key West, so after trying to figure out what the Jamaican flight people with the heavy accents are telling you, and running around the airport at three different terminals and then walking back to the Jamaican girls with your head hung in shame. They eventually yell at you and you have to be escorted to �Cape Air� (not �Kapear�) because you simply can not understand what they�re saying. When you get to Cape Air, it�s a tiny little airline with 6 seats and they get you the 7th seat which turns out is the co-pilots chair which you sit in for an hour and a half during a thunderstorm petrified that you�ll touch something and cause the plane to crash. Then when you get to the airport, they tell you that they�ve lost your luggage, so you have to go out (in Key West on Spring Break in college) wearing what you wore all day. Instead of delivering your luggage the next day, you get a cab back to the airport only to find that they say they still don�t have it�but then on your way out you notice a suspicious-looking bag that looks remarkably like yours. You mosey over and find out that it is in fact, yours, has been there since before you arrived, and then get yelled at by security for being in a restricted area. And then you tell the guy at the front desk and he doesn�t believe you, and after an hour and a half you finally get your luggage by flirting with the security guy. Other times, you�re flying on bereavement, and three hours doesn�t seem to be enough time to transfer your luggage from one plane to another, so you wait and wait for it to be delivered the next day like it�s supposed to only it doesn�t. Then you call and get the runaround and finally it�s delivered 28 hours after it�s supposed to be. But at this point, you�re just thankful you have your toothbrush.

2) When you get to your gate (28) on time but then there is a technical problem with the plane so they move you to a different plane at gate 22. So the masses of people go to gate 22, but everyone is hoarding around the desk at the gate because along with the technical problem, your old plane was a stretch and they can�t fit everyone on this new one, so they�re taking volunteers and some people are going to have to have their seat reassigned. And of course, you got your ticket that day because you have to fly home for a funeral, so you have a seat assignment way the hell in the back of the plane, but at least it�s an aisle seat. So of course at the time that you�re supposed to be taking off, no one has boarded yet, because they just called your name on the loud speakers to come up to the desk and get reassigned. So you fight the crowds up to the desk and get a new boarding pass, and they let you on the plane first (right after the more important people in first class), of course, because you�re still in the butt-fucking back of the plane, but this time, you�re in the middle seat. So you get on the plane and find that you�re in the very back ass-to-the-galley-and-all-the-chattering-flight-attendants seats and not only are you in the middle, but there�s a fat lady to your left and a really tall guy to your right, and you have no where to put your laptop because the overhead bins above your ass-to-the-galley seats are filled with oxygen and first-aid kits and loud speakers and shit you can�t touch, so you have to fight your way to the front and shove it in one of those before the jackass behind you with the goosey-hands decides he wants to put his laptop up there, too. And then there�s the long-assed flight in the middle of the night that you can�t sleep during because your teeth are imbedded in your knees and you only really like to sleep like that at home. And let�s not even get into actually having to depart the plane from ass-to-the-galley row 41, seat B. Mm�kay?

1) The number one thing I hate about air travel� Is air travel itself.