Hyperbole 101


So last night Dr. No and I went over to Lauren and Heather's to watch the Oscar's with Jessica, Carrie, Becca, and a few others. This was double duty NCAA-time, so the office-pool losing nueroses were in full effect. Much fun was had despite the fact that every pool participant in attendance lost big-time. Still, all the right people won, including Eminem, Catherine-Zeta, Nicole, Chicago, and Michigan State (sorry, Jessica).

Much like State winning, many heinously cool things happened. Also in keeping with tradition, whenever Jessica bails (like the time I met David Duchovny, Robert Patrick, Mitch Pileggi, Nic Lea, John Ritter, Christian Bale and Tia Carrera), I saw lots of famous people close up.

As we (Dr. No, Lauren, Heather, Carrie, Becca and I) were walking around and gawking at some of the Oscar parties swinging in the Beverly Hills/West Hollywood region, here are some of the things that happened:

--All of the people standing around us started yelling Marlee Matlin's name trying to get her attention so they could get her picture.

--Okay, really no one did. Seriously, not one single person. And this was probably one of the only instances in recent memory when human stupidity didn't win out. Amazing.

--Jennifer Love Hewitt, David Alan Grier, and some other celebrities with three names asked me for my autograph, but I refused to give it to them.

--Okay, really we just saw them as they entered the In Style party and ignored everyone yelling their names. I guess Good Morning America doesn't quite have the pull it had before Joan left.

--Catherine Zeta-Jones asked Dr. No to hold her Oscar while she had a contraction.

--Okay, really they only waved to us from across the street, but still, it was pretty cool to see Michael, Catherine and her Oscar. Oh, and her unborn child!

--Matthew McConnaughy offered Becca a hit off of his wacky tabacky ciggie, but there was a cop standing right there so she politely refused.

--Okay, really he was just smoking a cigarette when he walked right in front of us to get into his limo (license plate "Diva 101" in case you're interested), but he rudely didn't offer a hit to anyone. Though he did look kind of stoned.

--Michael Caine finally told Heather that he was her long-lost father as his limo screeched to a stop in front of us, and then he jumped out and they embraced.

--Okay, really we were just trying to cross the street when a cop wouldn't let us for some reason and then Michael Caine's limo did pull up and he got out right in front of us but I think he was a little bitter about losing so he just huffed off and went inside without saying one word to his daughter Heather. Rude.

--John Rhys-Davies ran over to where Carrie was standing and asked her if she'd seen his battle-axe. (And I didn't tell the others this, but then he turned to me and discreetly handed me a note that said that both Viggo Mortenson and Orlando Bloom were desperate for my phone number.)

--Okay, really he just got out of his limo and asked us how we were doing and would probably have politely conversed for a while with the six of us and maybe even said "Indy! Camels for my brother-in-law!" but fanboys came out of the woodwork and smothered him and almost killed Carrie. For a second, I think she really did wish she had Gimli's battle axe.

--Topher Grace made out with Lauren.

--Okay, really we were just on our way home, a couple of blocks from Lauren and Heather's when Topher walked by while we were waiting for a light to change, saw me see him and stepped up the pace a little until he notcied Lauren making out with her hand while trying to show Becca what celebrities really did in the back of limos while waiting to get into the after-parties. Then he really stepped up the pace.

And then we all went home and probably didn't stop talking about it until tomorrow afternoon sometime.

For a comprehensive list of other celebrities we saw, go see Dr. No's entry for today.

"Oh my God, Topher Grace just saw me making out with my hand!" -- Lauren



2003-03-24 1:20 p.m.

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