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These last few months haven�t been easy for me. I�ve been struggling with what I thought I always wanted, and the blinding kind of clarity that comes when you start to see what you need to do to attain those things. Nothing ever turns out the way you expect it to, and some of the things you find on that path, you�re not sure you like. The harsh reality of the world around you, the harsh reality of your own flaws.

Somebody held a mirror up to my face today, and it wasn�t to check if I was breathing. I'm not sure I liked what I saw.

I got called out on my laziness, and I don�t know if I was quite ready for the wakeup call. I cried for about 3 hours straight. I threw up my lunch. I was mad, sad. I was confused. I still am.

I�m 24 years old, and I don�t know what the hell I�m doing. I don�t have a fucking clue. I�m feeling young and stupid. Stagnant, useless and completely inept. I feel as though there was a year of school that everyone took but me. Getting A Job 101. IAH 210: Figuring Out What You Want. Hip 345: Words and Phrases Cool People Know. Life 440: Laziness, Weight-loss & Men; Things They Don�t Tell You. I�m like the one goddamn PBS station that didn�t pick up Nova.

The world out there is built for grown-ups, and I�m just some stupid kid. I�ve got a big mouth and illusions of adequacy. I�m my biggest fan and my worst enemy. I�m a gigantic drama queen and (have you read this entry?) melodramatic. I�m lazy, but I�ve got moxy. Most people seem to like me, and sometimes I don�t know why.

I�ve come a long way, but I haven�t moved an inch.

On August 8th of 2001, I wrote: �If life is a journey, I�m about to turn down a path that�s wide enough for my feet, alone. I�m moving to California. I�m packing up my things, putting them in my car, and with neither a place to live or a job to attend, I�m leaving home.

I know that when I look back years down the road, I�ll most likely be amazed that I had the nerve and the guts to just do it. There will be a lot of things about it that I won�t remember. I�ll probably be proud that I had the gall to face the world out there without fear, and that I followed my heart and my dreams to a place where I could make something of myself. But right now, I AM scared. I�m laying awake, unable to sleep by the enormity of it. Or the enormity that revealed itself only when reality surfaced. To be honest, it didn�t seem like such a big deal when it was just a concept and an idea that was floating about. Even the decision to do it wasn�t that big. But when you make a decision, you form a plan, and the plan eeks into motion, and quickly, the reality solidifies before your eyes. And when you focus on it� that�s when you lay in bed at night not able to sleep.

The Real World scares me shitless. I�m not following my heart and my dreams. My heart just wants to be happy, and my dreams are filled with what life will be like when I attain happiness. But you�ve got to start somewhere, right? You can�t live your life hoping to encounter serendipity. But I think I�ll go on hoping to encounter it, I just won�t go on EXPECTING to. And maybe serendipity will meet me in LA.

But for tonight, while it�s sleepless, I�ll go out on my balcony and look at the stars and the moon, as only they look in Northern Michigan. With the Big Dipper above the willow and the moon so bright there are shadows. With the loon calling through my window. Maybe it�s saying goodbye. Maybe it�s saying good luck. Its young have left their nest, it�s time for me to leave mine. To spread my wings, take a leap, and see where the wind takes me. I�m scared of hitting the ground, true, and I�m probably a bit scared of soaring too high, but at least the feathers that carry me will be my own.

So here I come, California. A Midwestern girl with a car full of boxes and untried wings.�

Two weeks later, I wrote this: �I have to say, before I left home two weeks ago, I felt a bit like Peter Pan, chasing his shadow. I know what I wanted, but it wasn�t quite in my grasp. Now it seems, I�m the shadow and life is Peter Pan. I�ve been moving so fast, reality is running to catch up. Second star on the right, straight on �til morning.

I�ve learned a lot in a fortnight. Mostly about myself. I�ve experienced a lot. Something�s that I�ve always wanted to, others I�d hoped I never would. Beauty, exhaustion, fear, liberation, death. It�s kind of scary, but pretty cool, really. After 22 years of packing, Life has finally slung me over its shoulder and started walking.�

Christ, if I only knew.

It�s time for some changes.

I guess there are some things out there that you just have to do. Cross your fingers, close your eyes, and hope it all turns out for the best. I want to be one of those people who kissed the toad that turned into the handsome prince. I want to stand there with a tenuous smile on my face and a prize in my hand�still not sure it had been such a good idea, but pleased with the result.

Am I strong enough? Will I wake up tomorrow and be exactly where I was the morning before? I�d like to think I am and that I won�t. I�d like to think that today was the day I decided to hell with the person I�ve been for the last few months. That today I�m spreading out my arms and trying to be the person I was two years ago. I want that kind of outlook. I want all of the things for myself that I wanted back then. I want to be that person again. I want my character to resemble my self portrait. I want.

I guess only time will tell if wanting is enough.

�Where are we going? And why am I in this handbasket?� -- Unknown