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This weekend, I went looking for The Dress.

You see, I have a wedding coming up back home that's going to be the rough equivalent to a high school reunion. Everyone I was friends with in high school (and a few people with whom I wasn't) are going to be there. Some I haven't seen since high school, some I haven't seen since Christmas. All, I'm determined to impress.

You see, one of the only things I had going for me (or so I thought) in high school was that I was really, really good at sports. I never had a boyfriend (I was more interested in having a good time), I wasn't on the homecoming court. I was friends with a lot of people in a lot of different cliques, and I got really good grades, but all of that stuff comes kind of secondary to the adolescent end-all-be-all of being popular and pretty. Now, I wasn't unpopular. I was friends with the stereotypical popular people (I guess that makes me popular-adjacent?) and neither was I hideous. But, I really didn't care too much (on the outside) with what people thought of me (a trait that can be a little magnetic to ridicule in the adolescent environment) and my idea of dressing up were a pair of khakis and a baggy sweater. (A fact I'm killing myself over now when I realize what a phenomenal body I had and my late-blooming fashion sense.)

And normally, on a day-to-day basis, I still don't give a rat's ass about what those people think or thought of me, and I know that it doesn't matter.

But damned if I don't want to show up and knock. them all. dead.

There are a number of things I have going for me, but an even greater number of things working against me.

First, The Bad:

1) The freshman fifteen were an unfortunate reality for me. And still are.

2) I don't have a job. It's not that I'm working in retail, or am a degree carrying waitress. I AM UNEMPLOYED. Though getting paid for it, which is nice.

3) I can't find a dress. (But we'll get to that.)

Now, The Good:

1) I have gained weight since high school, but I still look damn good. Come to think of it, I was probably a little too skinny. In fact, now that I know how to dress, I can accomplish a look that's pretty damn hot. Also, I wore such baggy clothes in high school, I doubt any of them will notice.

2) I live in LA. MAJOR cool points attainted in simple geography. You get points for not living in the hometown, and even more for living in a big city. But LA? Buko de cool points, dude.

3) I worked and am still planning on working in the entertainment industry. Not such a big deal here in SoCal, but in the upper midwest? Watch out. Also, many of these people cared so little for me in high school, and haven't really heard a lot about me since, may not even KNOW that I don't have a job.

So, in that vein, since I can't brag about my job and how well I've been doing since college, I have to show up at that wedding and look totally smoking hot.

That's where the dress comes in.

I went looking on Saturday with my friend Carrie in search of the vessel with which to bring my hotness to the northeastern shores of Lake Michigan. And sadly, we failed.

I probably tried on 25 dresses, and came up empty-handed. There was a promising little black thing and another longish pink shift that didn't look horrible. But they weren't quite the showcase I'd been hoping for, so I passed in hopes that I would find that perfect, impudent, saucy little number that makes all my fellow PHS alumni sit up straight when I walk in, and then rubberneck like meercats.

Although, I did find two great shirts, and Carrie found a cute, cute top, and absolutely fabulous pants.

I have precious few weeks left here, ladies and gentleman, and I have to find The Dress. It's become my driving ambition. (After I find a job, Mom. No emails, please.)

I'm not quite sure where to begin my new search, but I do know that I have to find it. I'm totally open to suggestions here, folks. I'm willing to go the distance. I'm determined.

On June 14th, there's going to be some spy satellite out there that's wondering just what the hell that flare was in Petoskey, Michigan of all places. And when they zoom in with that lens that can read the headlines on a newspaper? I hope to God it focuses on me.

"That's not a dress. That's an Audrey Hepburn movie." -- Jerry, Jerry Maguire