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This may just be the best one yet. (The typos are all his.)

TO ALL RESIDENTS:

I am sending this letter to all tenants in my building because of the incident that happened last week. As some of you already know somebody vandalized my property with grafitti by writing the words "STALAG 17 SIG HEIL DON" with spray paint on one of the parking garage walls.

Everyone knows I am tolerant of many things that tenets do that are against the rules such as those of you whose cars drip oil on my garage floor. But this goes way beyond that. This is a defacement of my building and I will not tolerate this. It is vandalism and goes way beyond sloppiness, this is a crime and I will find out who did it and prosecute them to the full extent of the law.

I am positive it was a tenant and not someone else in the neighborhood. Whoever did it was clever and tried to throw me off their trail by trying to make me think it was done by gang members. They used large bubbleup letters and tried to make it look like gang signs. But even though there has been increased gang activity in the neighborhood I know whoever did it did it because they don't like my way of running MY business. All I am trying to do is make this a decent place for everybody. The rules and regulations I use are standard rules all owners use. I am no different then thousands and thousands of other apartment owners. And I am being made to look like some kind of tyrant for trying make YOUR lives better. I don't understand it, I am just trying to provide a safe clean place for everyone to live.

I have talked to the LAPD about this and of course they were no help. They are understaffed and are concerned about what they consider more serious crime. Of course it wasn't THEIR building that got defaced. Anyway they would be willing to prosecute the purpetrators if I can find out who was responsible and can get some proof.

As I said I know it was someone in the building. To encourage anyone who knows who did this to come forward I am offering a $1000.00 cash reward to any tenant who gives me information that leads to the arrest and conviction of the guilty person or persons. This will be a cash payment directly to you and will not be a deduction from your rent. Also your name will remain strictly confidential. Another thing that makes me mad is that I know this was also done as a hate crime. Whoever did it was trying to impune my German ancestry and make me look like a Nazi. If I can get a conviction for vandalism AND a hate crime I will add a $500.00 bonus to your cash reward.

Besides getting a cash payment you could be protecting yourself because anyone who would do something like this might try to vandalize your car or steal something from it since they have access to the parking garage. Since I am not responsible for your cars or any contents you would have to pay for any damage or theft. So this could benefit all tenants.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation,

NotDon

"The kneebone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch. ...Uh oh." -- Dr. Nick, The Simpsons