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170-ish lbs. (total fat groove), alcohol units unknown, number of times asked if I�m Irish, 8, number of drunk dials, 4(?) (outgoing), 3 (incoming), coworkers almost murdered, 1 (v.g.), boyfriends, 0.

6:37am Have awakened to some confusion and moderate amount of discomfort. Somehow fell asleep last night with head at foot of bed and vice versa. Somehow also am wearing same green shirt from yesterday, but bra is curiously absent. Throat and mouth feel absolutely filled with cotton. Feel rather like I did a bit of drinking last night, but cannot remember what or how much. Or�come to think of it�where.

6:43am Reached for bottle of water next to bed to relieve horrible cotton-mouth thirst to find bra hanging from lamp next to bed. Am relieved to have found bra and also that I seem to be alone.

6:45am Sat up. Should not have sat up.

6:46am Considering calling in sick to work.

6:47am Jolted upright in bed with horrible realization that today is day of large office shindig of which I have volunteered to work. Not only am pained with the fact that I have to leave for the office in little over an hour and stay well after 7pm, but also from upright jolting. Brain feels as though sloshed against inside of skull and is shooting jolts of pain behind eyes in some odd intercranial brain riptide effect. Wonder if perhaps am suffering from previously undiscovered neural disease in manner of mutant from X-Men. Perhaps will henceforth be known as �Lush� and get cool leather suit to fight evil.

6:48am Feel like mutant. Perhaps new superpower will recede and will get half-hour more of sleep.

6:55am Somehow an entire flock of crows have descended on power line outside of window. Are not silently sitting in eerie Hitchcock-ian manner, but have begun calling in irritating and loud caws that are somehow resonating at cellular level.

7:01am Pillow over head does not seem to quiet noise of ravens, only reinforces and strangely confines brain riptide. Have decided to sweet fuck-all with sleeping and will just hop in shower.

7:12am Have realized while rinsing shampoo out of hair that ravens have long served as portent of evil and am suddenly slightly worried about office shindig. No matter. Must dry hair and leave for work.

7:30am Oh holy Jesus. Never drinking on weeknight again. Whole body seems to have swollen overnight and can hardly button slacks. Have considered wearing different business suit (as have to dress up for shindig) but only other suit is dowdy and conservative in manner of librarian or school marm. Refuse to look like librarian or school marm in front of Hot Intern. Will wear long shirt over unbuttoned pants and persevere.

10:46am Really wish would have called in sick anyway. Cannot deal with hangover and pushy PR director simultaneously. She has somehow morphed from casual annoyance in other department to pushy, bitchy, in-my-face Boss of Me. Has somehow forgotten that I have volunteered to help out of the goodness of my heart and that I have another job to perform. Wish she would shut up, go away and let me do my job. Hate her.

2:17pm Almost flew into fit of uncontrolled rage in front of not only reps sitting in waiting area, but also bartending/catering staff setting up big shindig. Miss Fancypants Priss PR Bitch just said, in most condescending matter possible "you're going to need to button another button on your shirt before the event tonight, and oh... do you own a suit? Because you should have worn it." Was too stunned to speak. Looked over shoulder at suit jacket hanging up (so as not to be spoiled for "event") and nearly went off the handle. Luckily held onto last shreads of composure until bitch walked away.

2:18pm Cannot believe gall of Miss Priss. Ugh! The nerve!

3:07pm Oooo.... Hot intern setting up table directly across from desk. Lovely view. La la la! Wonder if he'll fall for me tonight after I shmooze all of the important people of the company and he has a few beers. La la la! Cannot help self from sighing happily.

3:08pm Even when Miss Priss walks by.

3:09pm Bitch.

5:34pm Holy fluerking shnit. Cannot believe what has just happened. As party gets under way, New Girl, who has been great and is still in the process of adjusting to crazy office, was handed glass of wine by her boss, who is drinking and shmoozing with all of the other bosses. Two sips in, Miss Priss walks up to her, takes her drink away and says "Oh no. That's not the way we do things around here" as if she is grande dame matriarch on The O.C. Who does she think she IS?!?

5:37pm Ooo! Hot Intern just talked to me!

7:24pm Am crushed. Hopelessly, irrevocably, and in all other ways crushed. As was about to move in for kill, Hot Intern dropped the G bomb. He has a girlfriend. No longer care about Miss Priss. No longer care about anything. My life and chances of future happiness are over.

8:42pm Feel slightly sorry for Hot Intern. Girlfriend is obviously hanger-on mental patient that he doesn't have the heart to dump.

9:03pm She would probably stalk me and leave threatening messages on my phone if he and I were together. What a nice man. Not every guy can stay with mentally diseased crazy woman who is probably hiding in the bushes outside my apartment right now because she can see that Hot Intern and I are meant for each other.

10:17pm Have hangover and broken heart. Hopefully will go to sleep and never wake up.

10:18pm Or turn into crazy insane woman like Girlfriend.