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I wish my journal were capable of supporting a detailed diagram of the logistics of employment here and where my department lays within that scheme. But it doesn't.

Suffice it to say, my department is a bit different. We're the only department under the scope of our parent company that does what we do. Every other similar department under the umbrella of Parent Company as we will now call it, has been usurped within the last few years by a Shared Services Group located in the center of the country in the steaming shithole of Nebraska. (That Nebraska part doesn't really relate much to the story--I just hate Nebraska a lot and wish everyone to know it. I know Dr. No would give me a hollaback here.) Our funky department is headed by my boss, whom I assist.

Monday started like any other. She strolled in super late, though I did notice, as was not usual, that she didn�t complain right away about something or swear. I found that strange, but not altogether alarming. What I did find alarming however, was the fact that she was in several huddles with my two close coworkers, and they would whisper until I came near and then stop talking altogether. No �break!� or �good game!� and no slapping of asses. You don�t have to be Nancy Drew to know that they were either talking about A) me or B) something they don�t want me to know about.

Turns out it was a combination of both A & B.

Later in the day, I got called into the boss�s office (having been laid off twice in the past three years, I mostly just steeled myself with an eye roll and a hearty internal fucking A!!!!). My suspicions that I would not be long at Reputable Company were not completely unfounded. Because what happened next went a little something like this:

Boss: Thanks. Close the door.
Me: to myself, in my head You�ve got to be fucking kidding me. I�m getting laid off AGAIN. This has to be some kind of record.
Me: out loud What�s up?
Boss: So� I turned in my resignation this morning.

My reaction to this was somewhat mute. Okay, it was all the way mute. I know the way things work around here, and if my boss is no longer here running the department, the department will not last long. We are reminded nearly every day when we have to call Nebraska for one reason or another that we are the last of our kind. We sometimes feel like the very last slice of a particularly delicious pizza---everyone is looking at each other really wanting to take the last slice, but feel some kind of moral (or nutritional) obligation not too, but eventually, someone is going to say �okay, screw this I�m taking it!� and all that will be left of us is an empty box with a few grease stains and an errant pineapple chunk. The conversation continued:

Boss: �So you know they�re probably not going to replace me.
Me: �Uh-huh.
Boss: But I don�t want you to get completely screwed over, so I was thinking�
Me: to myself, in my head Oh my God, there may actually be worse things than losing my job�
Me: out loud You were thinking�
Boss: I put you in for that job replacing the IT assistant! You�d be assisting Hatfield, as you know.
Me: Uh�
Boss: But it turns out you�ll also be assisting McCoy� She needs an assistant, and as they�re in the same department, they�re going to assign that to you too!
Me: Uh�
Boss: I mean, the good news there is, you�ll get a small raise!
Me: Oh. Well, that�s good.
Boss: The bad news is that they hate each other. I mean, they�re like, totally feuding.
Me: Oh. That�s not as good.
Boss: Yeah, I mean, you may be caught in the middle.
Me: Uh�
Boss: But anyway, HR approved it, and you start in two weeks. So I totally have you covered! Aren�t I awesome?!?!

Okay, she didn�t actually say that last part. But she implied it.

I was a bit torn at this point. I mean, it was a lot to process. First I was shocked. Then I was relieved. Then I was pissed.

I mean, what the fuck?! Thanks for the fucking warning, lady! And thanks for like, ASKING ME if I�d LIKE to work for IT. And thanks for �having my back� and totally getting me a new job� working for two people who hate each other!!!!!! THAT�S not going to be uncomfortable or anything�

To top it all off, she pulled me into her office yesterday and told me that Hatfield wanted McCoy to suffer, so he�s not letting me start until for another month. So not only will I have a month filled with dread, I won�t be getting paid the slight amount more money I�m getting for another two paychecks.

And dudes. I need it yesterday. But the Holy Shit I�m So Fucking Broke And In Debt Up To My Eyeballs entry will have to wait for another day. I�m too busy sandbagging my cube and raising my defenses for this ASSTACULAR new job.