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I�m beginning to worry. Worry not that my shield is cracking or getting softer, but that it�s getting harder, and that I am too.

Apathy is starting to become my fallback emotion.

Life turns to shit and I crack a joke and ignore it. I�m beginning to step back from things when they get too tough, put aspirations on the backburner because now�s just not a good time.

I know a defense mechanism when I see it, but you can�t defend yourself against life. You might as well not even live it.

I want to stop worrying about mistakes I�ve committed, paths I haven�t taken, choices I�ve made. I want my world to change. I want a wind to come in and blow away the dust that I�ve let settle on my dreams and my determination. I want them to shine again�to be the brightest thing about me. I want the dust and grit to puff away in that wind and settle softly into the empty places once filled by regret.

The world will carry on, just as it always has. You can�t remove yourself from it; mire yourself so deeply in your own problems that time goes away. A dragonfly in amber may be stuck in a moment, but the world went on around it.

I think all of these things are beginning to coalesce. I�m beginning to realize that life will always throw things at you. The shots it will take can give you as much warning as a canon fired or as little as an arrow sailing silently through the air. You have to do what you can to protect yourself, but you also have to move with the flow of life around you. Step as carefully as you can but also step firm and let your footprints speak for themselves. If you try to protect yourself too much or take a step back from what�s going on around you or worry too much about the choices you�ve made, you�ll end up standing stark, like a rock at ebb tide. An easy target.

Am I saying the best thing I can do right now is to meet the potshots head on? Maybe. Perhaps that�s the easiest way to deflect them. Maybe my shield is getting harder because I keep pulling it tighter, blinding myself to these things as they come. But I can't help but think, if I let it fall, I might get knocked off of my feet completely.