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Normally, it's kind of fun to watch. The audience get so damn excited and gets so much free stuff, you get excited for them. I know how Oprah feels, giving away all of that stuff. I love Christmas gift-giving; it's my favorite thing. I love watching people open the presents I got them and seeing them suprised and happy.

Well, ten minutes into Oprah today, I broke down bawling in front of the TV. Because no one in my family is going to get a gift from me this year. I won't be sending out cards like I usually do, and I probably won't be quite as merry because of it.

I just can't afford it. I've had to borrow money from my parents to pay rent, and I refuse to borrow money from them to buy them gifts. This year, I'm making peanut brittle for my grandparents and step sister. I'm going to offer a night of babysitting to my sister and brother-in-law, and I'm going to do the dishes for the week that I'm home for my mom and step dad. And I'm absolutely and completely wrecked about it. I want to go home so badly, but I don't want to show my face to anyone. I'm embarrassed and humiliated, and completely torn up.

No amount of it's-the-thought-that-counts will make up for it. I am completely wretched. How do you call your family and say "please don't get me anything this year, because I can't get anything for you?" How do you do that? They're going to get you something anyway.

To be honest, I don't even know if I want to go home this year, because I can't bear it.

I don't want to see old friends because I don't want to have to face them feeling like a failure. I don't want to see relatives I see only once a year because I want them to go on remembering me as the person I was last year. I don't want to face my family on Christmas morning and not get to see them opening a gift.

I am the Grinch this year. And I am completely miserable because of it. My heart really does feel two sizes too small.