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In any event, I give you part I of the gist of my trip, in 4 or so conversations:

-- Friday, June 13th --

[Picture it, Sicily, 1932... I mean, My Dad and I are canoeing down the Bear River]

Me: This is great, but these deer flies are killing me.

Dad: Must be that deer-colored hair.

Me: Hey look, a muskrat!

Dad: Yep.

Me: Hey look, a deer!

Dad: Yep.

Me: Hey look, a duck!

Dad: It's coming right for us.

Me: You didn't happen to hit a nest with your oar did you? It looks pissed.

Dad: Brave little bugger.

Me: I think that's a hooded merganser.

Dad: Thanks, Audubon.

Me: Hey, I never get to see wildlife anymore. Indulge my showing off, please.

[It's very quiet for a few miles, then a very large splash]

Me: Um...

Dad: Okay, Audubon, what the heck was that?

Me: Paddle.

Dad: Never heard of it.

Me: Seriously? Paddle. Hard.

Dad: *paddling hard*

Dad: Okay, just tell me one thing. If he would have canoed the Jordan River today instead of the Bear?

Me: That would have been a Jordan.

-- Friday Night, June 13th --

[My friend Carolyn and I have closed the bar and she is tanked. We are attempting to make our way to the exit]

Carolyn: I'm okay to brive. I mean drive.

Me: Uh-huh.

Carolyn: Hey look! It's Barry Douriff! We graduated with him, right?

Me: I think that's actually a girl.

Carolyn: THAT'S A GIRL?!

Me: Um, Carolyn?

Carolyn: DID I SAY THAT LOUD?

Me: Kinda.

Carolyn: Heh. What's she going to do, beat me up?

Me: You do remember leaving Chicago yesterday and ending up in northern Michigan, right?

Carolyn: Can we please leave right this second now?

Me: Gladly. Oops. Watch our for that puddle of beer.

[I turn and Carolyn is not there]

Me: Carolyn?

Carolyn: MY ANKLE!

-- Saturday, June 14th Day of the Wedding --

[Carolyn, Amanda, Brandi and I meet in a bar parking lot before heading to the ceremony together]

Me: Hey babe, how's the ankle?

Brandi: What happened to her ankle?

Me: She slipped in a puddle of beer.

Amanda: Classy.

Carolyn: It wasn't a puddle of beer!

Me:

Carolyn: Oh my God, was it?

Me: 'Friad so, my dear.

Carolyn: Can we not tell people that?

Me: Fine by me, I'm telling people I'm a working screenwriter.

Amanda: I'm telling people I lost 20 pounds.

Brandi: I'm telling people I'm gay.

[We all stare at Brandi]

Brandi: Too much?

Carolyn: Anyway, can one of you help me out of my car?

[We help her out of her car]

Brandi: Oh my God, it's swollen!

Amanda: Oh my God, it's turning purple!

Me: Oh my God, you're wearing stilettos!

Brandi: You're insane!

Amanda: You're on drugs!

Me: You're my hero!

Carolyn: It gets worse when I stand up.

Brandi: Jesus, Carolyn.

Me: Your dedication to fashion is admirable, but... Are you sure you don't want an ACE bandage or something?

Carolyn: I'm wearing these shoes if it kills me.

Brandi: It just might. I have never seen an ankle that swollen.

Me: I have never seen a stiletto that strappy.

Brandi: It's strappy almost up to your ass!

Amanda: Wait you guys, look at it. It reminds me of something. I can't quite place it.

[We stare at it for a minute]

Brandi: It kind of looks like...

Me: ... a honey-baked ham.

Carolyn: A what?

Me: Or a roast. You know, before you cut the string off?

Amanda: That's totally it.

Brandi: Totally.

Carolyn: You are bitches. All of you.

Amanda: Bitches who love you.

Me: If it makes you feel any better, my hips look like that when I wear a thong.

Amanda: Me too.

Brandi: Me three.

Carolyn: Christ, I need a drink.

Amanda: Me too.

Me: Me three.

Brandi: Well, the wedding doesn't start for a half hour. We didn't park at a bar for nothing.

-- Monday, June 16th --

[Amanda and I load the ocean kayaks in the truck and head to the State Park to kayak in Little Traverse Bay]

Amanda: This'll be great, I haven't been boating on the big lake in a while.

Me: Me neither. Too bad the waves are shit today. Hey, can you hand me another bungee cord?

Amanda: Why? They'll be fine. They're only sticking out the back like five feet. Plus, you live like two minutes from Lake Michigan.

Me: And five minutes from the State Park. And I need to stop at the ATM on the way.

Amanda: They'll be FINE.

Me: The lasttime I took your word for something, I ended up blacking out of an entire 7-11 trip and only remember Timmy falling backwards out of a chair reaching for a giant inflatable penis.

Amanda: I'm thinking of titling my autobiography "Good Times Guarenteed With Amanda."

Me: With a foreward by me titled "Stupid Things Amanda Talked Me Into."

Amanda: They'll be FINE.

[Five minutes later]

Amanda: So how much did you take out of the ATM?

Me: Twenty bucks, why?

Amanda: Because that sign we just passed said "Poorly Secured Loads Subjected to $500 Fine" and there's a cop right there.

Me: I'm changing the title of my foreward.

[Ten minutes later, as we were launching the kayaks from the beach]

Some Mother: Come on in, Todd, the water's only kind of cold.

Todd (who had to be at least 14): I told you, I'm not going in.

Todd's Mom: Why?

Todd: Sharks.

Todd's Mom: ... Honey, there aren't sharks in here.

Todd: Friggin' barracudas, then.

Todd's Mom: You do realize this isn't the ocean?

Todd: What's your point?

Todd's Mom: This is fresh water, Todd.

Todd: I'm still waiting for your point.

[Then Todd's mom suddenly dunks herself under and comes up screaming "Shark!" Todd proceeds to scream like a girl, and then Todd's mom, me, Amanda, and about 12 other people within earshot start laughing really loudly. Sadly, three other people within earshot ran out of the water like their asses were on fire]

-- Tuesday, June 17th --

[About 12 of us 20-somethings drive 45 minutes up the coast to Sturgeon Bay to hit up a tourist-free beach. There was not a cloud in the sky. We pose for a picture]

Mike: Molly, seriously, take the damn picture already!

Molly: I'm trying!

Jake, the redhead who's been hiding under and umbrella: Mol, I'm seriously about to burst into flame, here.

Molly: I'm trying!

Mike: It's a point and click, Mol.

Molly: But the flash isn't going off!

-- Wednesday, June 18th --

[My mom, two grandparents and I are walking downtown to hit up a restaurant for lunch. A family friend comes out of a store and we stop to chat. Some guy is sitting on a bench at the storefront eating an ice cream cone with his son]

Family Friend: So Slip, how long are you in town for?

My Internal Dialogue: If I have to answer this question one more time...

Me: Oh, until Sunday.

FF: Oh great! So, MOM (she didn't actually say MOM, but she was talking to my mother, and after my last entry, my mother shall henceforth be referred to as MOM)...

MID: Thank God she didn't ask what I'm doing for a living now.

FF: So, what are you doing for a living now?

MID: Shit.

[Suddenly]

Guy on Bench With Ice Cream and Kid: Slip? Slippin' Mickeys?

MID: Thank you, Jesus.

Me: Yeah?

GoBWICaK: I thought that was you! How are you?

MID: Okay, who is this person?

Me: I'm good. And you?

GoBWICaK: I'm doing great! We've all changed so much, I wasn't sure that was you.

MID: Yes, and I still have no idea who you are.

Me: I know! So, what have you been up to?

MID: Please give me some clue as to your identity, because you look absolutely unfamiliar.

GoBWICaK: Oh, not much.

MID: Thank you, strange person, that was helpful.

GoBWICaK: This here is my son, Dr. No. (His son's name wasn't actually Dr. No, but it was the same as my roommate's.)

MID: Yes! I can work with this!

Me: Hi, Dr. No! It's nice to meet you! My roommate's name is Dr. No.

MID: Come on, kid. I know you're 2 years old, but help me out here.

Kid: Aaiiee!

GoBWICaK: Heh. Sorry.

Me: It's okay, that's the reaction I get from most children.

MID: And men.

GoBWICaK: So, where are you living?

Me: I'm in California.

MID: And I'm in this way too far to admit that I don't have the first clue who you are.

GoBWICaK: I figured something like that. You don't look like you're from around here anymore.

Me: Is it the hat?

GoBWICaK: And the sunglasses.

Me: Ah.

MID: I knew this town wouldn't be able to handle the hat.

[Uncomfortable silence]

MID: Help me out here, MOM!

MOM: Hey Slip, I hate to interrupt, but we're going to be late for lunch.

MID: THANK YOU.

Me: I should get going, but it was nice to...

MID: Meet you.

Me: ... uh...

MID: MEET YOU!

Me: ... see you again!

Well, that's all she wrote for now. I've got a few more days of conversations to dictate. I'll see you on the other side.

"I did not." -- Mulder, Bad Blood