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The following is a series of open letters I was composing in my head during the course of the evening:

Dear Dr. No,

I love that song, too. I don't understand the lack of dates, either. When I say, "maybe you shouldn't have another one," I mean it, but I'm glad you didn't puke. Though you could have saved yourself eight bucks. I'm just saying. I'm glad you had fun tonight. I couldn't have gotten through the last few years without you, either. I mean it, too. No, I really mean it too. I'm glad you had fun tonight, thank you for telling me again. Yes, I did see you making out with her. And her. And her, but I know that was at your birthday. And yes, making out with her will complete the circle of that particular group of friends. That was actually the fourth time today I heard someone tell us we act like an old married couple. I'm glad you had fun tonight. I swear.

Dear Heather,

Hi! Yeah, we'll totally have to talk more next time. Bye!

Dear Lauren,

Yay! It's good to see you, too. I swear I'll watch your drink. No, I'm not drinking tonight, just diet coke. I swear I'm watching your drink. Though your eyes aren't really focusing on me and I'm not sure you need it. I'm not sure where your roommate is, I can't find mine either. They're probably making out. I wouldn't know what that's like, no. Oh, I'm glad you've got a make-out session scheduled. Oh wow, you weren't kidding. You know, right this moment, I'm thinking yeah, putting a water bottle and some advil by your bed was probably a really good idea. Whoa, careful! Maybe heels weren't the best idea. Your drink is over there. I'm over here. No, over here. Mm'kay, Goodnight!

Dear Carrie,

Hey! Wow, you're the only person I recognize at this table. Yeah, I found dress! Yes, actually someone was sitting there, but I'm sure it's okay. No, I haven't seen you this drunk, either. Yeah, it wasn't the best joke I've ever told. I'm glad you agree. No, I haven't seen you this drunk, either. Hey, I hadn't ever noticed that about your thumb. No Irish Car Bomb for me, thanks. No, I haven't seen you this drunk, either.

Dear Adam,

Thank you so much for the diet cokes! Yeah, sorry she took your seat. I know, I haven't seen her this drunk, either. Or her. Or her. Yeah, or her. Thanks again for the diet cokes!!

Dear Jessica,

I'm glad you think I'm talented, I love you too, I would totally be your girlfriend if you were a boy, and don't worry, no current plans to move back to Michigan. What's that? Um, yeah. I'm glad you think I'm talented, I love you too, I would totally be your girlfriend if you were a boy, and don't worry, no current plans to move back to Michigan. I swear. And thank you for all of the kisses.

I just may have more evenings where I don't drink at all. Y'all are pretty entertaining.

"You really want some space, or are you and I going to go get drunk? 'Cause there's this bar - you won't even remember it tomorrow." -- Weiss, Alias